show it, don't say it

Laser eye surgery - six month check-up

2008-02-24T15:54:00.005Z

I had my laser eye surgery with Ultralase in July 2007, and my six month check-up last Thursday. You may notice that's over six months and that's because I forgot to book my appointment until I got a reminder letter and then I couldn't do most of the available appointment times. Anyway, it's done and my eyes have recovered perfectly.

My appointment was at 8.45pm (how convenient that they offer appointments this late!) and I was in and out in a matter of minutes. My boyfriend hadn't even taken his coat off as I came back out into the waiting room.

All that happened was the optometrist asked me how my eyes were. I said they were a bit tired as it was the end of the day, but otherwise good. He then looked at my eyes under the microscope and said they were fine, I did some sight reading tests (bottom line every time - mistook an F for a P but otherwise spot on) and then he sat back, looked at me and said, "If that's what they're like at the end of the day when you're tired, you must be able to see around corners most of the time!"

So what happens now? I have to go to any optician a year after my surgery to check the health of my eyes and then every two years after that - which is recommended for everyone whether they need vision correction or not. I have a letter from Ultralase to show the optician what I've had done because some of my pressure readings will be artifically low. Visiting the optician regularly was the only criteria I need to fulfill for my lifetime re-treatment guarantee.

Interestingly, when making my appointment with Ultralase recently, I noticed on their website that they now only do Lasik with Intralase (that's when the laser cuts the flap on the cornea as opposed to a microkeratome, the hand-held cutting device). They say this is due to an improvement in safety and results. I can certainly vouch for how good the results are for Ultralasik plus Intralase! It may cost more but my goodness it has worked perfectly for me and the recovery time was incredible - I was at driving standard straight after surgery (except I couldn't keep my eyes open as they were watering so much!)

Laser Eye Surgery - new eyes for 2008

2008-01-01T12:53:00.000Z

Happy New Year!

I've not posted for ages, yet again. I've been pretty busy though. And my eyes have been perfect for so long now, it just gets boring to keep harping on about it. Brilliant vision, blah blah eh?

I thought I would post though because being the start of 2008 means I'm facing a whole new year without glasses. A new summer with the freedom to remove my (non-prescription) sunglasses and still be able to see. Holidays without worrying about whether I packed enough contact lens solutions.

So how are my eyes 5 months after surgery? Just brilliant. No problems at all.
Has it changed my life? Not immediately no. Having said that, I think it has changed me in many ways.

For example I can't tell you how many times people have told me they would not have the nerve to go through with laser eye surgery. Whether they think I'm brave or stupid I don't care, I just know I am capable of doing something that others could not.

This in turn has led me to look at other areas of my life that I can change to make me happier. I'm not talking about more surgery here, don't start thinking I'm suggesting a Hollywood style makeover with liposuction and a new nose. I am talking about making a concerted effort to get my life headed in the direction I want it to be going in.

Getting rid of my glasses is just the tip of the iceberg for me really. (Does anyone else picture an iceberg wearing glasses when they read that sentence? Weird huh?) Anyway, back on subject... At the risk of sounding like a self-help tape packed with cliches... Life is not a dress rehearsal. If you want something you have to get off your backside and do something about it.

New Year lecture over. Have a great 2008.

Still here, still seeing perfectly!

2007-11-04T14:47:00.000Z

It's been 4 months since I had laser eye surgery and I can put my hand on my heart and tell you it is the best money I ever spent.

Just today I was leaving the supermarket and I saw a girl wearing glasses - thick rimmed trendy ones - I was looking at her thinking she looked cool but I'm so glad I don't have to wear specs any more. She was looking at me, god only knows what she was thinking (probably why is that girl staring at me?). Anyway what I'm trying to say in a rather verbose way is that I am not a glasses wearer any more. I don't have that affinity with other glasses wearers that I once used to have. I look at them and I wonder if they've ever considered surgery.

Don't get me wrong, anyone comfortable in glasses or contact lenses would be sensible to stay as they are. By comfortable I mean both mentally and physically. But for me, contact lenses had become more and more uncomfortable over the years, to the point where I was blinking awkwardly because my eyes felt dry all the time.

I've even forgotten the discomfort of the surgery. If I had to go back in time to before the surgery, knowing what I know now about those few minutes where I lay thinking "Oh my god what am I doing this is torture!" and the months of perfect vision afterwards, I would 100% go back and do it again. Easy for me to say with my fighter pilot eyes I know!

The eyes of a Fighter Pilot!

2007-09-02T14:27:00.000Z

I had my one month check up at Ultralase on Friday.

My appointment was at 5pm, I got there about 15mins early and was seen straightaway. It took all of three minutes before I was on my way home again! It went like this: in, asked if I had any complications (no), eye test, look at eyes under microscope, told they look perfect, asked if I have any questions (no), told I can now live my life as normal, told to re-book last appointment for in 5 months time, sent home!

I was delighted to find out that my eyes are now two lines better than 20/20 - better vision than I ever had with glasses. The woman I saw told me that my vision is in the top 5% of the population - the level required by Fighter Pilots. "You've got better vision than me!" She said. "Ah but I've paid for it!" I replied. "Easily the best money I ever spent."

I have the eyes of a fighter pilot! I can't get over it. I keep making pathetic 'piao piao' gun noises to remind everyone of this fact. Hey it keeps me entertained!

I know laser eye surgery doesn't go this fantastically for everyone. I read plenty of stories when I was researching the subject. I heard of people who went from needing one pair of glasses to needing two or three (e.g. different pairs for reading, driving, and middle distance). But I can't possibly put into words how glad I am that I went through with the surgery.

Even if my vision begins to deteriorate - which considering Ultralase offer a lifetime re-treatment guarantee won't be a problem - but if they do deteriorate at the same kind of rate they did in glasses that should mean probably 10/15 years before I reach the stage where I need to worry about driving.

If I don't sound enthusiastic any longer, it's because it feels normal to have perfect vision. It's just every now and again a little bubble bursts inside me and I go, "The eyes of a fighter pilot! Wow! Piao piao!"

Recovery times for my laser eye surgery

2007-08-19T16:50:00.000Z

I’m back at work now, using the computer for hours at a time. I do notice my eyes feel tired and dry occasionally but this is mainly where I’ve been forgetting to take rest breaks. A few minutes away from the screen or a drop with the fake tears and I’m fine. I’ve been using the drops less and less. It started as three times a day when I first went back to work – the instructions say I could use them up to 6 times a day (they’re Hypremellose 0.3% w/v). But within a couple of days I was down to 1 or 2 drops a day.

I’m going to run through my experience of recovery times for all the various things. Obviously these are just a guide as they will vary from person to person based on age, type of surgery and many other things but this might give you an idea if you’re about to have your own surgery. Just to remind you I had intralase wavefront surgery with Ultralase (they call it Ultralasik plus Intralase).

Sunlight / bright lights
Wore sunglasses outside constantly for three days, inside on occasion if light was bright. After that three days some bright lights make me feel that I need to concentrate a little more to see clearly, but I’m not actually losing anything in terms of vision.

Limited light
Up until two weeks after surgery I felt like I needed to squint and concentrate hard in limited light. Weirdly enough for the first three days or so I was convinced that white became very faintly ultraviolet in limited light conditions. Might have been my imagination, but this cleared up very quickly. After three weeks I don’t really notice a problem in limited light conditions, except when I’m tired.

Night vision
Seems fine on the whole. Three weeks post op and bright headlights often have tiny halos around them. However I often ask people I’m with (who’ve not had surgery) if they get the halos too – and they do. So whether this is a result of surgery actually seems unlikely. It could be perfectly natural. Basically my laser eye surgery has not made a discernible difference to my night vision.

Driving
I was declared fit for driving 24hrs after my operation. I didn’t drive for about a week, not because I felt unfit but because I had no need to. When I did drive it was just like watching the tv or computer – I tried to blink regularly to keep my eyes hydrated but otherwise had no problems whatsoever.

Computer Use
I wasn’t really comfortable for longer than about an hour or two until two weeks after the operation. My eyes would feel tired, my vision would feel a little unstable – blurring until I blinked etc. But after that two weeks I could go for hours and besides blinking lots and needing the drops once a day if at work it’s not really been a problem. I am glad that I could have two weeks off rather than just the one week though. I’m convinced it helped my recovery.

TV
It was about three days before I could watch TV comfortably, and even then an hour or two was my limit. After about 5 days I was absolutely fine.

Reading
Same as with the TV I think, it was about three days before I decided to pick a book up and read. For about two weeks I would notice that my vision was a little unstable when reading at certain times – usually first thing in the morning or last thing at night. And while that might sound like a problem, it really wasn’t. It was only me being conscious of my ‘new eyes’ I think.

Supermarkets
For the first week I found I had to concentrate a little harder in supermarkets and other places with artificial light and a lot for the eyes to take in. For example standing in an aisle looking for one particular item amongst a shelf was quite tiring. Its not that my vision was poor, but I felt like I had to work hard – just like with a new prescription.

All in all, three weeks after surgery and my life feels like normal.
Except for the odd moment when I feel an eyelash or something in my eye and I get this crazy panic that I’ve somehow dislodged the flap and it’s all gone horribly wrong. Which is perhaps human nature, but completely crazy all the same.
Would I have it done again? Now I’ve forgotten how uncomfortable the surgery was and what the results are most definitely yes I would. Would I recommend you to have it done? If you’ve done your research, chosen a surgeon and company that you trust and can spare some time off work to allow your eyes to heal, then yes I would.

Two weeks on

2007-08-10T14:22:00.001Z

It's now been just over two weeks since my intralase eye surgery with Ultralase and I'm more than happy with the results.

I stopped the drops in my right eye on the 9th day (2 days with drops every 2 hours and then 7 with a drop every 4 hours), but my left eye I continued as recommended at my week's check up. I actually stopped all drops in the left one after 11 days. Since then I've just been using the fake tear drops when needed - usually first thing in the morning and, depending on my activities that day, perhaps once more if at all.

I went down to London for two nights at exactly the two week mark and words just can't express how amazing it was to be able to go out shopping all day and then go out at night with no worries about whether my contacts would cope with all the dry conditions and extra work. My eyes were tired by the end of each day but a drop of fake tears and I was fine again.

Bright lights are a tiny bit blurry in dark light conditions but that's really the only thing noticeable now. Even then it doesn't stop me from doing anything or enjoying myself. While in London I went to see a comedy show at the Comedy Store - a black auditorium. My vision was fine for that. Dark environment looking at a brightly lit stage for a couple of hours.

After two weeks I can finally sleep without the eye shields again. I can wear make up and I can have a proper shower (for two weeks you aren't allowed to get your eyes wet so I've been washing my hair in the bath with the mixer tap and my head tilted back). Almost back to normal life.

I have to say I was looking forward to the wearing make up again part. My mother's nursing influences yet again meant I threw away all mascaras and old eyeliners, except pencils which I sharpened and sharpened so they were clean and like new again. I even treated myself to some new make up whilst I was in London. It felt so amazing to get all dressed and made up for a night out without any worries about glasses or contacts. Every day I forget a little bit more that I've even had this done. This life-changing procedure that I ummed and ahhed about for over a year before deciding to finally go for it. Oh how glad am I that I went through with it?

I go back to work on Monday and although I'm really lucky to have been able to have three whole weeks to recover, I would have been fine to go back to work after two. If I didn't work with computers so much I'd have been fine after about three days, but I think something like the long term health of your eyes is important enough to warrant as much time off as possible. It will be weird to have people asking me about my surgery, I'm so close to forgetting I've even had anything done!

Day 6 - one week check up

2007-07-31T17:45:00.000Z

Technically there's only been 6 days since I had my laser eye surgery, but I was told it was fine to book my one week check up on the 6th day.

My appointment was at 11am. This time I was one of the few people in the waiting room who'd already had surgery done. There were a few people who looked to be having first consultations, and one nervous young man who was about to have his surgery performed. He seemed pretty nervous. I felt like telling him it was just a short blip of discomfort, but thought better of it. To be honest I wouldn't have traded places with him for anything. Laser eye surgery was not one of my most enjoyable experiences. I can't imagine surgery whilst awake could ever be. It was worth it though, I know that, I'm just not sure I'd want to go through it again...

I had the same optomotrist as my check up after 24hrs. This time we did a little check of the vision and prescription. The short of it is that I can the line below 20/20 with each eye on it's own, and with both eyes together could make out most of what was really pretty tiny print. I've no idea what the 0/0 number of that was but hey it's not all about the numbers. It's about the night vision, the close up vision, the everyday life vision.

Next he measured my prescription and told me there was no prescription registering in either eye. Yahoo! That made me happy. For the first couple of days after the surgery I'd been worried that my right was a little blurrier than the left, this was clearly where it was healing as it's barely noticable now. And with no prescription there will be no need for retreatment. I have to say I'm breathing a little sigh of relief.

I mentioned about the ghosting around bright things with my left eye and he had a good look with a microscope at both my eyes, spending a little longer on the left so I was sure he'd tell me he could see an infection. But he couldn't. It was all clear he said, but just to be sure he advised me to go back to using my antibiotic and anti-inflammatory drops every 2hrs again in my left eye. I'm to do this for a couple of days and then go to four hourly for about four days. My right eye however is fine, and I can stay at four hourly until Friday lunchtime (this will be 9 days after surgery) when my right eye can stop having drops.

I put my drops in my left eye once we got to the car. They do feel more comfortable with the drops more regularly. Right now they're both feeling pretty good. Reading this computer screen is a little bright on a white page, but I'm not squinting any longer. And that's 6 days after laser eye surgery (Ultralasik plus Intralase to be exact).

I really am glad looking back that I opted for the Intralase instead of having lasek. My three hours of discomfort would have been three days. But well if I'd had to go for lasek, I still would have had it done.

Walking past people wearing glasses in the street I feel like saying "You really don't have to you know! Ditch those specs!" I know it's not for everyone. It's a daunting idea. It's one of those situations where you often hear far more about the bad experiences people have than the bad. My mother was always keen to point out that the majority of doctor's still wear glasses, "And why is that? Because they know the risks that's why!" she'd always tell me. But well, I took the plunge and 6 days after surgery my vision is better than 20/20. There's a good experience for you. I'm definitely in favour of laser eye surgery. Provided it's with a good provider, and based on my experiences I'd recommend Ultralase to anyone.

Days 4 & 5

2007-07-31T17:35:00.001Z

Woke up on day 4 with a slightly dry feeling left eye, I was happy to get the drops in as soon as possible. Other than that everything seemed fine. If anything I think I started taking my new vision for granted and probably pushed it a little bit, read a few chapters of a book and for the first time I had no afternoon nap. Well I've had laser eye surgery, not suddenly become an old aged pensioner!

I washed my hair in the morning on day 4. I sat in the bath and used the shower head as I sat tilting my head back. I got more water on the floor than myself at times it seems but it did the trick. Clean again.

Not wearing make up is starting to frustrate me a little. I don't always wear any, mascara and lip gloss at most really but not even being able to make the effort is getting to me. It's like when I buy new clothes and want to look nice - I've got new eyes and want to go out and make the most of it.

Day 5 my left eye was still feeling a little strange. A little dry. A little blurry up close. I took my dog for a walk and the wind was blowing on my face (I had sunglasses on) and whereas my eye would normally water in the wind, the wind just made my eye feel a little dry. Nothing really to worry about but each time the drops were due I was glad to put them in.

I noticed looking at the cooker clock that my left eye was a little hazy, but only on bright things. The cooker digits are bright green. I wasn't too troubled though because I knew I was going for my check up the next day. Probably overdid it with the computer in the evening, sending emails to my friends to let them know how I'm getting on. I'm taking this all for granted now too much maybe. Time to go back to resting them in the evenings.

I've been getting braver at washing my face in the morning. Instead of just dabbing my face with the water I've gone back to using my soap and toner - but keeping it well clear of my eyes.

On the morning of day 5 I received a letter from Ultralase. It was a coversheet and an information page for me to give to my doctor which detailed the surgery I had undergone. I dropped it in at the doctors and ended up having a chat with one of the nurses about the surgery. She's always thought about having it done and was interested to meet someone who'd only just had it done.

Days 2 & 3

2007-07-29T19:13:00.000Z

Waking up early most days, most likely because I've been going to bed early. I've realised that all my interests involve great eye strain - reading, working on the pc, watching films or the TV - all the things I don't want to do much at the moment as I try to rest my eyes as much as possible.

As advised in my aftercare pack I've been cleaning my eye lashes using boiled and then cooled water and quite a few cotton buds. Quite a few because my mother (a nurse) told me to change end with the cotton stick every time I sweep the eye, therefore if I were to have an infection I wouldn't be spreading it. Makes sense I guess. Although I'm not really worried too much about infections as I've done everything recommended to me and seem to be recovering well.

After 48 hours I was able to change my drops to 4 times a day rather than every 2 hours and while I feel I need the drops first thing in the morning the rest of the time they're feeling pretty good. Up until day 3 I noticed that if I looked sharply to the far right, my left eye had a kind of gritty sensation. I wouldn't say pain, just mildly strange. But that's gone now and was probably linked to the redness, which is going down more and more each day.

I've been having an afternoon nap most days. Just 30mins to an hour to rest my eyes which usually means I fall asleep. On day 3 I watched almost 2 hours of TV and by the end of it I had a mild headache. But my focus on close up objects, such as this pc screen, is improving more and more each day.

The one thing that doesn't change is the frequent bursts of amazement I experience. Walking my dog at the top of the hill above my house last night I had the wind on my face and I could see so clearly right out onto the horizon. It's strange but everything just seems so much more real when it's your bare eyes you're looking with. Of course I've seen this view with my glasses and contacts, but it's not the same. It feels somehow as if I'm seeing the truth because I'm seeing it with my naked eye!

So yes, everything's going fantastically. I'm drinking at least 2 litres of water a day, taking an omega 3 capsule once a day and also a soluble vitamin c pill which I drink with my evening meal. Whether these things have made a difference who knows, but I feel better for doing it.

The day after (First aftercare appointment)

2007-07-28T11:17:00.000Z

Woke up at about 5am, I had quite a good sleep despite the eye shields taped to my face. I don't find them too bad, mainly because my natural sleeping position is on my back or side with my head tilted up. Oh and here's the pic I promised of me in them....

Lovely eh. Had to take it without flash because that might have been painful. Oh and also they tell you to put tape in a X over your eyes (two bits of tape) but I've found I'm fine with just the one. Less tape goo on your face the next morning!

So then woke up early and dozed for a while. It was amazing to be able to look at my alarm clock without my glasses. My left eye was still feeling a tiny bit gritty - no worse than normal wearing of my contact lenses though. And my eyes were both bloodshot. My left eye is the worse one for this, with patches either side of my eye, the right one just has a bloodied patch between the pupil and the inner corner of my eye. These look far worse than they feel.

My first check up appointment at Ultralase was at 9.55 and yet again I caught the train. I would have been fine to go alone but my family being my family decided someone needed to go with me. So I took my mum.

I got to the clinic and was given a certificate to confirm my lifetime guarantee. How's that for a satisfaction guarantee? If my eyes deteriorate and need retreating Ultralase will treat them completely free. As far as I know no other laser eye surgery provider does this beyond a set period of one year. The condition is that I have my eyes tested every two years at any optician I choose.

I was seen almost straightaway, and wasn't in there for more than five minutes. All that happened was I looked at the eye chart one eye at a time and read out the line I could. My right eye could read the driving standard line and the left eye could read two lines below that one. As the opthomologist explained to me, my vision is not really the important thing at this stage, it's all about how my eye is healing. He looked at my eyes with the microscope and told me that if it wasn't for the redness he would not be able to tell I'd had anything done. He said they were healing perfectly.

The redness could apparantly take up to 6-8 weeks to fully disappear, although it will be far less noticable after just one week. Seeing how it had gone down a little just overnight I fully believed him. So after confirming that I was taking my drops at the allocated intervals and checking if I had any questions I was sent on my merry way.

I did have one question: Whether I needed to inform my doctor that I'd had laser eye surgery. He said that there was no medical or insurance reason why I would, but in the interests of keeping my doctor informed I might like to just mention it whenever I am next in there. I think I will do. It can't hurt.

It was just gone 10am when I came out. I was due for more drops so my mum helped me put them in before we left. Being a nurse she told me I shouldn't put them in before the consultation because they would make my eyes slightly blurry. She's right you know, I have noticed that for up to 30 minutes after the drops the vision is a little more unstable. I say unstable, but this is still 100% times better than the vision I had with contact lenses. With contacts, I was never able to blink without feeling the lens on my eye - mainly because of my astigmatism - but now I get good vision without anything on the eye. Woo hoo.

I went out for lunch with my parents and grandmother when we got back. We went to a little country pub and I noticed that limited light and the mirror behind the bar made my vision a little hazy. I could still see everything but it took me a little longer to focus. After that we wandered around a garden centre and after that I was quite tired. I went home and had a nap.

I've got to say I am pleased with the results but I'm not letting myself get too excited. Resting my eyes and recovering well is my priority at the moment. It often feels like I'm wearing new prescription lenses that my eyes have to get used to. Using my eyes to concentrate on anything for any period of time gives me a dull headache. And although I'm quite comfortable typing this and closing my eyes regulalry - I wouldn't be happy if I had to go back to work without a few days to recover.

Day of laser eye surgery

2007-07-26T17:49:00.001Z

First off, I 'm touch typing this without looking much so please excuse the typos. I'll come back and edit later. Oh and it's not that I can't see, it's just that I'm conscious of resting my eyes as much as possible. To let them heal and that. Anyway on to the big event...

Took the train in to Chelmsford station - yet again my appointment was around rush hour so it seemed far easier, and I'd been advised that so long as I had someone with me I'd be fine to take the train home. The first thing I did in the Ultralase clinic was sign my lifetime guarantee contract, and read through the form to declare I wanted to go ahead with the surgery, had been advised of the risks etc. Once that was done I had a few minutes to wait (I had got there a bit early), before being taken off by the surgeon tso she could look at my eyes and ask if I had any allergies, medical conditions, or "anything I wanted to tell her" I thought about confessing the time I stole a toy cat from playschool when I was about four, but thought I'd keep that to myself. She ran me through what would happen in the procedure - super efficient typical doctor speak running it off like it was nothing at all. She also mentioned that the astigmatism in my right eye made my prescription quite big (in total it's about -4 which isn't that big considering), and she said upfront that this might mean we need to tweak it to get it right. Oh well, if I have to come back so be it. With Ultralase's lifetime guarantee I knew I wouldn't have to pay again.

Back out into thte waiting room. It seemed like they had a fair few procedures booked for that day, and I rememer sharing a few nervous glances with others who were clearly about to have surgery too. I wouldn' say I was nervous, more excited and just anxious to get it all over with.

After a while I was taken through by a nurse to be 'prepped' for surgery. This involved having anisthetic drops put into my eyes, little blue bags over my shoes and my hair put back into a net. I also had browny yellow solution - idodine I think it was - put over my eyelids to make them super clean. At this point my glasses came off, hopefully for the last time. The nurse ran me through what would happen in the operation room and also the things I needed to do post surgery. She gave me a little goodie bag with six little bottles of solutions (3 sets of drops, 1 per eye to reduce the risk of cross-contamination). She also gave me my night shields and tape and showed me how to fix them on. I'll post a pic on here for you soon.

The bottles were: Red labelled antibiotics to be taken every 2 hours for 48hrs and then 4 times a day for a week. Pink labelled anti-inflammatories to be taken the same as the red bottle but leaving 5 minutes in between the drops so as not to dilute them. Then a green labelled bottle which is basically artificial tears. I'm to take these ones as and when. I thought I'd never remember any of this but of course it was all written out on information sheets for me to take away.

We kept hearing a blasting noise - the nurse told me this was the laser being used or warmed up. It was quite a loud zapping noise kind of like an x-ray machine I suppose.

And then...waiting. The surgeon was the only surgeon in that day and it seemed that everyone wanted her opinion on consultations etc. so she was running a bit late. I just wanted it all over with but tried to wait patiently. Then a song came on the radio that made me chuckle. I can't remember who it's by or what it's called but the first line is 'I can see clearly now the rain has gone...' and I knew my surgery was going to be soon.

I was finally called in. A bit nervous, but mostly relieved that the waiting was over. I had to lie down on a long bed, and a cushion was put under my knees to keep me comfortable. Someone asked me if I was ok and then someone else asked me to confirm my name and what type of surgery I was in for. There were little lights on the bottom of a machine above me. I had to look at them and then they went down. And then the fun began.

Okay let's face it, it wasn't fun. But I'll try to run you through an emotion free experience. First off my left eyes was covered up, then my right eye was prepared with surgical tape / bandage above and below. Next an instrument was put in to keep my eye open. This was uncomfortable as it was put in and taken out but once in a bit weird but fine. Next up they put something onto my eye to increase the pressure (this is unique to intralase and possibly standard Lasik I believe), this was pretty uncomfortable. It pressed onto my eyeball and seemed to press back into my skull. When the pressure was up I lost vision. I expected this to be scarey but actually it wasn't really. I had every confidence that my vision would be coming back. The discomfort lasted about 10 seconds and then I was swung under the intralase device. I couldn't feel a thing - except maybe a bit of pressure pushing my head back into the bed and then the pressure was released. At this point my vision came back, but not very clearly. I could feel someone fiddling and taking the flap up for the laser to do it's thing. Next I had to look at a light.

I've read people saying this but in my imagination it was a little dot of light. Actually it ws more like a hundred little lights that were clearly just the one light, it's just my vision was all over the place. The surgeon told me to look up a few times but I really had no idea where I was looking so I just tried until she said it was fine and to hold it there. Then there were three blasts of the laser. Someone advised me I might smell burning but I didn't notice it. I was too busy trying to keep my head still. After the laser bursts some solution was put in my eye and the flap replaced. Then finally the device to keep my eye open was removed and it felt much better.

Except now I had to go through it all on the other eye! At this point I realised that it was going to be worse because I knew what was coming. I've read people say this on the Ultralase forums but I guess you only really believe it when you're rught there experiencing it for yourself. So yes my left eye was a little worse.

There was a point during the procedure when I thought 'oh what am I doing?' but it was a brief flash and I knew exactly what I was doing. I was having the need for glasses and contact lenses removed from my life.

The procedure went ahead with my left eye. The uncomfortable clamp, the short discomfort of the pressure device and then the release as the laser has cut the flap. It really was so quick though. Discomfort or not, 20 minutes and it's all over.

When I was told I could get up I think I shot up so fast - glad to get away I guess - but then as I was about to get to my feet I realised I should take it slow incase I went wobbly. My body would likely be in a mild kind of shock. So I took it slowly following the nurse out of the room and into a recovery room. My vision was watery, slightly blurry, but at the same time I knew it would be great once it had healed. I could see the clock and the sign on the door. In the recovery room I sat on a reclining chair and the nurse went off to get me a cup of water and my boyfriend.

I chatted to him for a few minutes and looked around me, amazed, before my right eye started stinging and I had to keep it closed as it began to water. My left eye followed a few minutes later. I'd read descriptions of it being like chopping onions. It was at first, but then in short bursts it felt a little worse than that. As if I'd been chopping onions and then touched my eye with onion juice. If that makes any sense. I started to worry that I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open enought to get to the train station, but then tried to relax, sit back and just do what my body was telling me to do - keep my eyes closed.

I was there for almost an hour before the surgeon called me through and I struggled to keep my eyes open enough to look at the chart. I read out on line, I could see below this but struggle to keep my eyes open long enought. It turned out the line I'd read out fairly easily was driving standard anyway. WOOHOO! Then she looked at my eyes under the microscope and told me they looked fine. I was free to go home, and should sleep for the rest of the day. 'You can drive home' she joked, looking at me struggling to open my eyes more than a little chink. Umm, maybe not.

I went back to the recovery room, got my bag and headed outside. My boyfriend had told me my eyes looked bloodshot and when I went to the bathroom before setting off I tried to sneak a look, as much as I could when my eyes just wanted to be closed. They looked very red. Most of the white in my left eye especially. It made the pain feel a little worse to look (purely psychological I know) so I stopped looking.

Sunglasses on I went out into the street, having to be guided by my boyfriend. I had my eyes closed a lot of the way, I could not keep my eyes open for long. They were streaming and pretty sore. When we got to the car I remember the sunlight was so bright, even with sunglasses and my eyes closed. It was like walking on a bright white beach and I could almost feel the burning of the laser on my eyes.

Once home, we put my first sets of drops in and I lay on the bed with an audiobook on my ipod. After a little while I got into the bed and dozed on and off. I did this for about three hours and after that my eyes were much better. It still felt better to keep them closed more than open but they weren't streaming.

I was well enough to go round to my parent's house for tea. Although I had my eyes closed for the whole car journey. When I did open my eyes I was amazed with the vision. Absolutely fantastic so soon after surgery!

I went to bed early, my boyfriend woke me up to put my last set of drops in as he came to bed and I remember waking up and looking at him - vision absolutely clear on the moment of waking. But I'm not thinking about my vision at this point. I'm working on the healing. Trying to drink 2 litres of water, taking omega 3 pills and closing my eyes as much as possible. I've not watched television or read, and althouhg I'm sneaking looks at the pc screen as I write this, my eyes are closed more than often. It's too important to mess about.

Anyway, so that was my day of surgery. I went for my check up today, but I'll write all about that tomorrow. For now I'm back to closing my eyes.

Two days of wearing glasses left!

2007-07-22T18:57:00.001Z

I thought I'd post a photo of me in my specs, for posterity's sake. The fact that my glasses were wonky at the time of taking the photo (and I didn't realise it) just adds to my excitement at getting rid of them.

Two days left. I have to say, the excitement far far outweighs any nervousness.

I'm noticing the frames of my glasses a lot more than usual - as if I've become aware of them sitting on my face for the first time in years. How many times after surgery will I go to push them back up my nose? Will I reach for them first thing in the morning as I stumble bleary eyed out of bed?

What do I do with my glasses when I don't need them anymore? I don't think I'll throw them away. I'm a hoarder by nature, one of those 'well you never know if I might need it again' types. I'll probably keep them for the same reason people who lose weight keep their 'fat time trousers' to remind them of what life was once like. Although saying that, they probably keep them for motivation - to remind themself why they've opted for a healthier lifestyle. I can't think of a motivational reason for keeping my glasses. Except that keeping them would seem like a bad omen.

You know I never realised I was superstitious until now. My evidence: I refuse to cancel my contact lens prescription and direct debit until I've had the surgery. Don't ask me why.

Ultralase pre-surgery courtesy

2007-07-20T15:32:00.001Z

I had a courtesy call from Ultralase while I was at work this morning. They wanted to double check the time and details of my appointment and to run through the surgery day. For example I'm not allowed to wear make up (on the day or for two weeks afterwards), I can't wear perfume on the day and also I shouldn't wear my soft contact lenses for a certain amount of time prior to surgery. No problem there as I haven't had mine in for two weeks now. I thought it was really nice of them to call. It seemed reassuring, and obviously a sign of a well-organised company.

Oh and she also wanted to double check about how I was going to pay. I'm currently plucking up the courage to pay with my card online or by phone. I just haven't worked up the courage to say goodbye to all those possibilities - holidays, new shoes, etc. etc. But I suppose I better had. No pay, no spec free. Actually when I mentioned to someone at work that I had to pay in advance they pulled 'ooh isn't that dodgy' face. Well no, it's not really. I mean if you go to a shop you have to buy your goods before you can leave with them. Do they think Ultralase should just zap all who come through their doors and then invoice them afterwards? Sadly life doesn't work like that.

I'm getting seriously excited having the surgery done now. A flash of nerves yes, but then a great torrent of oh wowo owowowow no more glasses! I've done my research -for example the Ultralase forums have a whole section devoted to The Treatment Day, amongst many others and that means I know I'm not in for any nasty surprises.

Only 4 more days to go!

Consultation with Ultralase (no.2) SURGERY BOOKED!

2007-07-17T20:01:00.000Z

I had my consultation today at 4pm. Having been through it all just over a year ago I knew what to expect; if anything I suppose I was a little excited thinking I'm finally going to go through with this.

I took the train to Chelmsford station - the clinic is literally about a minute walk away. It seemed like the better option than getting someone to drive near to rush hour. I got there a bit early but didn't have to wait long before I was taken off for the tests with the optometrist.

Everything went along smoothly. The optometrist, Caroline, talked me through the tests as we did them. She did each one a couple of times to get an average reading. I sat at each machine in turn and blinked when told, held my eyes open when told, moved to the next machine when told. A bit like a robot really. We moved rooms a couple of times as they have specific rooms for specific equipment but before long we'd done all the tests and it came down to discussions on the types of surgery that I was suitable for and telling me what exactly was involved with each procedure.

The main story hadn't changed from last year - my eyes are quite steep and so I'm most suitable for Lasek or Intralase. After I'd asked all my questions (actually I didn't have to ask many, most of my list of questions she'd answered already as she went though everything).
Before she handed me over to Heather who covered all the non-clinical matters relating to surgery, Caroline showed my prescription to the surgeon Dr Vinod Gupta and he confirmed Caroline's advice.

'It's great that you have the choice.' Caroline said. I jokingly replied that actually I'd prefer it if someone else decided for me. The main difference between the two (lasek or intralase) is the recovery time. With lasek you have to wear a soft contact lens for a week after the operation and as the laser work is carried out closer to the surface it involves a slower recovery time. For example driving after about a week. With intralase an incision is made with a laser and then the work on the eye is made a lot deeper so it heals faster. Both Heather and Caroline quoted being at driving standard probably the next day, or two days after intralase. Either operation means a certain amount of instability in the vision for about two months until fully healed.

I asked Caroline if the risks of infections were different between the two and she said that there was no difference. I was torn between the two for a few minutes. Apart from the recovery time, another consideration is the cost of Intralase. (Intralase is currently £325 extra per eye with Ultralase). I'd already opted to go for wavefront having researched that and of course discussed it again with Caroline. Which meant the cost was into the multiple thousands. Ouch.

So I deliberated, I chatted with Heather, and then I decided. Yes, I'm going to have Intralase. And my surgery is now confirmed for next Weds (25th July) with Dr Tahmina Islam. I have to say I love being able to read up about my surgeon on the Ultralase website. If you've not followed any of my links here today, go and have a play on their website. All your questions will be answered I'm sure.

http://www.ultralase.com/
http://www.lasereyeforum.com/

Life without glasses

2007-07-15T18:41:00.000Z

When I tell people I'm about to have laser eye surgery, a common response is, 'But glasses suit you.' It's something several people have said now, as if the decision to have my eyes lasered is based purely on looks. It's not.

It's also about being able to wake up in the morning and see without reaching for my specs; it's about knowing I can go out for the day without worrying about taking contact lens refresher drops, my glasses and a lens cloth in case it rains; it's about going for a walk and feeling the wind on my eyes. If you've never had to wear glasses you won't understand any of that.

For me, wearing glasses has always meant I'm the female version of Clarke Kent. I'm only superwoman when I'm wearing my contacts. I tend to wear my hair up more often with the specs on, no matter what the occasion I just never feel 'dressed up' unless I've got my contacts in. And because I can't wear my contacts comfortably for much longer than six hours that means I have to be economical about when I wear them. If I'm going out in the evening I have to be Clarke during the day.

It's human nature to think that changing something we don't like about our lives will make everything better. Getting rid of my glasses may not mean I'm suddenly super confident and able to cope with everything that life throws at me, but it will be one less annoyance for me to worry about.

Fingers crossed it all goes well then.

Laser eye surgery questions

2007-07-12T09:00:00.000Z

I've got my second consultation booked at the Chelmsford Ultralase clinic on Tuesday 17th July. I've drawn up a list of questions that I intend to ask at my consultation:

Which type of surgery suits both my eye shape and my lifestyle? Which surgery would give me the best long-term chances of good vision and healthy eyes?

I’ve read some blogs and posts on forums where people have said things like ‘The surgeon told me that because I have thin corneas I am not suitable for lasik, but I really don’t want the longer pain and recovery time associated with lasek so I’m pushing for lasik.’ And to be honest my mind boggles with the sheer stupidity. Everyone has a different pain threshold yes, but if you’re putting your eyesight into the hands of someone else, someone you trust as an expert in their field, I think you should listen to what they suggest is best for you based on your prescription. And if you’re that worried about the pain that you would consider a riskier operation to avoid it, then personally I don’t think you should go ahead with surgery at all.

What happens if I need re-treatment? Is there a lifetime re-treatment guarantee or a time limit time, for example 12 months after which you would need to pay to have your eyes re-treated?

For instance I know Ultralase have a lifetime care guarantee which as they say is unique to Ultralase. But of course, there’s that dreaded *Terms and Conditions apply. I intend to find out what those conditions are at my consultation next week. I’m guessing age-related macular degeneration (when you get older and need reading glasses) will be mentioned in the conditions. Of course no laser eye surgery provider can stop that from happening.

How often are the aftercare appointments?

And more than that who do I get to speak to if I’m worried? Will there be a friendly voice at the end of a phone who can tell me if the sensations I experience are perfectly normal post-surgery or something a little more concerning? One of the things that impressed me about Ultralase over Optimax is that you get a personal advisor.

Who will be my surgeon? Can I see his/her CV? When will I meet him/her?

Some people go so far as to select their surgeon and book surgery specifically with them. I intend to look up my surgeon when I find out who he is, but ultimately I trust that he will be a professional. Needless to say if I find out otherwise…if his CV shows he was a vet or something random like that I would cancel without hesitation.

What is the realistic likelihood that I will be glasses free, driving standard at the very least?

20/20 would be great, but just to be driving standard would suit me fine. To be free from glasses is my aim. In the healing process it may be that I need to get some cheap reading glasses while my eyes recover. I need to ask about that too.

Will the success of my operation be judged on all aspects of my vision or just by one of those reading charts? What about night time vision, starbursts and halos, vision in limited or artificial light?

How long is this likely to be a problem – and are these taken into account and checked as part of the aftercare? If my vision in limited light is poor will re-treatment be an option to improve this?

How long is the maximum healing recovery time?

I’m fully expecting to sit up from the operation chair and start judging the success of the operation, but I know I shouldn’t. So I’ll find out the absolute maximum and try to be patient until I get closer to that time.

Will surgery affect the long term stability of my eye?

For example, if I get hit with a ball in two years’ time should I be worried?

What can I do pre and post surgery to increase my comfort and improve recovery time?

Things I’ve read about include taking vitamin C to boost healing; taking cod liver oil or flaxseed oil (supposedly a higher dose of omega 3) to reduce dry eyes; resting the eyes as much as possible. What else can I do?

Laser Eye Surgery – the story continues…

2007-07-02T11:08:00.000Z

Just like a trashy American soap here’s a summary of the story so far:

I’ve worn glasses since I was about 12, then at 17 switched to contact lenses. Skip forward many years (hey not too many, I’m only 26) and I’m barely wearing my contacts at work because they’re a pain to get in first thing in the morning and working with a computer most of the day makes my eyes dry and uncomfortable.

Last year I looked seriously at having laser eye surgery and had consultations with both Optimax and Ultralase. After deciding Ultralase were far and away the better option for me, I then dropped the whole thing when my boyfriend suggested we could have a puppy instead of my laser eye surgery…such a sucker for cuddly puppies…then I found out my parents weren’t really my parents as they’d stolen me as a baby from a super-rich family who desperately wanted me back to shower me with riches…oh hang on a minute, no that last part didn’t really happen. I’m getting confused between real life and a soap opera.

Cut to the present day. I had new contact lenses last year which for the first couple of months seemed to be working out fine. Vision was perfect but very quickly I fell back into my routine of not wearing them more than I wore them. Which makes as much financial sense as buying shelf loads of out-of-date food products just in case I find someone with a time machine who can zap them all back to being in date and mould-free.

So now I’m thinking about laser eye surgery again. And I’m thinking if I don’t go through with it this time, will I come back to this every year? Like a broken record stuck on a song about whether to have laser eye surgery. I just might. So I’m about to book another consultation with Ultralase in Chelmsford, and start the whole process off again. Lasik or Lasek. Wavefront or not. Intralase or not. Hmmm. Back to the research board it is.

The most important thing is that I’ve found a swanky pair of Oakley sunglasses for my post-op light sensitive eyes – and for all those non-prescription sunny days ahead of me! (Oh won’t the anti laser eye surgery people just love that little slice of vanity in what is an otherwise very sensible blog). ahem. No but seriously, they’re very nice sunnies take a look for yourself here. And yes I was joking about this being the most important thing. It's the second most important thing after being able to see.

Time Out

2006-11-12T21:57:00.000Z

If I had a remote control for my life, I'd have pressed the pause button recently.

I'd like to hibernate for the winter and wake up when my tulips are up brightening my garden (I went through a bit of a tulip obsession recently - in different areas of my garden I planted vibrant orange ones, barbie pink ones, dark mauve 'queen of the night' and a lovely velvety purple variety.

Now Muttley doesn't need to be watched at all times I've been raining some attention back on my garden. I've only killed a few plants so far but hey i'm a learner and my argument is I like to instill a little survival instinct in my plants if you know what I mean. My gran's gardening advice (my mother tells me this all the time) is that a plant has two choices: live or die. So I don't feel bad about that geranium, calla lily, chrysanthemum, hosta.... you get the idea. ha ha.

So anyway, back to the subject, I've been a little stressed out. Work is not going great, well no to be precise work is going shite. Mutual trust and respect between myself and my employers is about zero. I think it's important to like the people you work for. So I'm looking elsewhere.

*Waves to the bosses if they're reading this*

Ultimately I need to be self employed. Doing the writing. I won't bore you with the details again, because this blog is supposed to be about proving what I can achieve, not talking about what I want to achieve. So, with that, I'm off to write another few words of my novel.

Best not to think about it

2006-10-26T11:09:00.000Z

A friend asked me recently what my biggest regret is. At the time I said I have a daily regret each night that I did not write enough of my novel that day.

Driving in to work this morning I found myself reconsidering the question and deciding that actually my biggest regret is not getting a job I once applied for. It would have been my first proper job. I would have been working in London, at one of the big players in Direct Marketing.

Not many minutes ago out of sheer curiosity I looked at this company's website - www.tmw.co.uk - and browsing through some of the features I saw a shot of a creative team with their names given under the pic. I was looking at a picture of one of the girls I met on the interview day, doing the job I wanted, the job I could be doing right now, if I hadn't been so feeble back then.

Now because I seem to be in a depress-myself kind of mood I then found myself googling this girl's name and I saw she came second in a young creatives award, with the other recruit from these awards coming in third.

"She beat over 900 applicants and took up the position of trainee copywriter in November 2003."

I beat over 900 applicants too, sounds pathetic that I try to raise my confidence in this way I know, but I've got to do something, I'm wallowing in regret here. There were 10 of us that beat 900 applicants, and 2 places up for grabs.

I thought I did okay at the interview. I was quietly hopeful. Turns out the quietness was the problem. My rejection letter said that while I had what it takes (blah blah - who actually finds that crap comforting when you're staring at a big fat NO), the fact was I was quieter than the other applicants. I spent nearly a whole day crying about that rejection. How pathetic is that.

And even more pathetic, it still bothers me.

But hang on a minute, let's think about things. I know I'd hate working in London. For starters there's the commute, then there's the over-confident arseholes I'd probably encounter regularly, probably even within the company. There's the drinking, partying culture I'd feel compelled to join.

The fact is I like where I live. I'm happiest pottering around my home, and I'm absolutley loving doing up my garden, and there's no way I'd have my gorgeous Jasper if I was working in London. Yes I know it's all for the best and this is just a temporary 'grass is greener' syndrome but ouch does regret sting.

I should use this. I should concentrate all my energy into doing what I really want to do. I want to make enough money from my writing so that I can stay at home and do that full-time.

I've been thinking about sending off three chapters of a 'just-for-fun' story I've been writing to a well-known romance publisher. It's been so easy to write and if I use a pseudonym it doesn't need to interfere with my other, more serious writing! Shall I do it?

Jasper Rascal

2006-09-29T06:47:00.000Z

More pics of the little monster as promised.

Here he is at about 7.5 weeks >

What a little angel, eh? Truth is I was holding a treat in my hand to keep him still. Seconds after gobbling his reward he took off to the back of the garden and launched himself into my ornamental grass ('japanese blood grass' just in case you're interested). Thankfully it seems to recover from his frequent bellyflop attacks pretty well, and I can't help but laugh every time he does it.

Oh and that's not his tail you can see, that multicoloured bit of rope, that's one of his many toys.

Unfortunately his favourite toy seems to be humans. Hands, feet, elbows, ankles, whatever part of you he can reach really. Try and play with him, he'll mouth you. Try to ignore him when he wants to play, he'll mouth you a little harder.
< Here he is at about 10 weeks in action on my hand. I was letting him mouth me because my boyfriend and I wanted to capture his 'bitey face' on camera.

What is the 'bitey face'? It's a crazed expression with wide eyes and lips snarled back to show his gums. It's the face he pulls as he stalks you, primed and ready to attack. My slippers are usually the prey. It makes trying to walk interesting at times.

What happened?

2006-09-26T11:03:00.000Z

Yes, I've been away for ages haven't I. It's a fascinating story though: I was walking across the car park to my car one evening in the middle of May, when suddenly a space ship appeared, sucked me up in a laser beam and whisked me off to the other side of the galaxy.

Honestly, it really happened. I could draw you a picture of the aliens that held me captive and everything. Oh alright, I'm lying.

The truth is I committed the cardinal sin of bloggers, I forgot about my blog. General life, laziness, and a puppy took over my world. But I'm going to get a grip and struggle on.

Here he is, or was rather, at 6.5 weeks. Jasper - part Golden Retriever, part monster.

Looks cute doesn't he? He hadn't discovered the joys of biting at this age. He's 12 weeks old now. I'll show you another picture later.

So anyway, back to business: Laser eye surgery

Have I had it done? No.

Why?
Short version: It's a lot of money; I didn't want to give up my holiday time to recover from an operation; I really really want to write the novel that's been in my head since I was 16 and the thought of damaging my vision before I managed to complete this really scared me.

I had a consultation with my contact lens specialist recently and we're trying new lenses until we find ones that I can cope with. I owe it to myself, my health, my vision, my future as a novelist (ha!) to find a suitable alternative that doesn't involve such high risks.

I'm not saying never. I'm just saying not now.

Optimax / Ultralase consultation comparison

2006-05-17T11:11:00.000Z

I want to make it clear that this is merely my personal experience of consultations at the Ipswich Optimax clinic and Chelmsford Ultralase clinics. If you’re trying to choose a laser eye treatment provider I strongly urge you to do your own research and go and have a few consultations with different providers.

(Ultralase = U. Optimax = O.)

Location:
O – Central Ipswich, no parking but car park is 5 minute walk and access for cars to pick up following surgery.
U – Central Chelmsford. Again no parking, but 2 min walk to car park and cars could mount pavement to collect after surgery.

Reception area:
O – Room full of cream leather chairs that remind me of airplane chairs (they look like they fold back for sleeping). Not unpleasant but not a place I’d like to spend too much time. Drink machines provided.
U – Modern, well maintained. TV, magazines and drink machines provided. Reception desk as soon as you enter the room.

Staff:
O – Receptionist who also did the tests on the machines, surgeon who does the consultation (and will also do the surgery). Both seemed a bit bored (it was 5.30pm on a Monday night) and not too enthusiastic. Surgeon did not seem interested in answering my questions – he could tell I’d researched and so didn’t bother explaining things too thorougly or checking what I'd heard.
U – Receptionist / Personal advisor, Ophthalmologist who does the tests. Answered all questions and Ophthalmologist made sure that what I’d researched was correct.

Equipment:
O – I noticed some condensation in some of the lenses used when checking my prescription. The testing machines weren't connected to a computer.
U – Seems brand new or else very well maintained. Some of the machines were plugged into a computer so the Ophthalmologist knew instantly whether to re-do the test.

Tests:
O – Completed and then had to wait to see if needed doing it again. I needed to go back at the end of my consultation to have one test repeated as it hadn’t come out clear. Receptionist was not too communicative about what was happening.
U – Did each test a few times so that there was an average result achieved. Ophthalmologist chatted to me throughout, telling me when to blink and what the results were each time.

Advice:
O – Surgeon asked what laser eye surgery I was interested in as I was apparently suitable for either LASEK or LASIK. In a split second I asked myself if I trusted this man with a microkeratome (hand held cutting device) and my cornea. The answer was no, so I said I was interested in LASEK. He advised me this was safer. He wasn’t too concerned about me working with a VDU all day.
U – The Ophthalmologist informed me that I have ‘steep eyes’ so actually Intralase or LASEK would be the most sensible options as with steep eyes the risks of flap complications are greatly increased. He advised me that using a PC all day would make LASEK the sensible option. Overall the Ophthalmologist was great at giving me advice, which was based on both his own experience of laser eye surgery, and his experience with patients.

Price:
O – Cheap. For Epi-LASEK I would be paying under £800 for both eyes.
U – Expensive. For Ultralasekplus I would be paying £2990 for both eyes.

Results:
The only appealing factor about choosing laser eye surgery with Optimax is the price. For everything else – staff, equipment, level of advice provided and my confidence in the company – Ultralase is in a completely different league.

If this was a car getting me from A to B then sure I’d choose the cheaper, old banger, option. But this is my eyesight, the quality of my vision, the quality of my life we’re talking about here.

It’s going to be Ultralase, because I’m worth it (swish of the hair).

Consultation with Ultralase

2006-05-14T19:12:00.000Z

Ultralase, Chelmsford, 2pm.

I've now had my second (and hopefully last) laser eye surgery consultation. The first with Optimax, the second Ultralase. It's fair to say I know a fair bit about my eyes now, which can only be a good thing. I'll post a detailed comparison of the two different companies and their consultations later, but for now here's the 'fly-on-the-wall' account of my experiences today...

First impressions of the Ultralase clinic are good. It has a modern, comfortable feel and instantly you feel like you're in the hands of a company that cares about giving a good impression.

I walk in and get given a form to fill out with my details and a few questions. I tick boxes to state why I'm interested in laser eye treatment (options: convenience, long-term financial benefit, sport, personal appearance, other); how long I've been interested in having laser eye surgery (options: less than 6 months, 6-12, 12-24 months, more than 2 years); what has prevented me from having laser eye surgery before now (concerns about success, finances, fear, other); and what expectations I have of laser eye surgery (complete freedom from glasses/contacts, reduced dependency from them, other). Then I have to list my main concerns today. Mine are finding out if I'm suitable, what is recommended for my prescription, and cost.

Next part of the form is health - where I list any medication I'm on and check the boxes for diabetes, history of glaucoma and all those sorts of things. Thankfully I'm pretty healthy.

Then I hand the form back and while I'm waiting I flick through a portfolio of client testimonials. I consider what a great sales tool it is to have so many snapshots of glasses-free people smiling out at you alongside their handwritten notes on how great life is with just two eyes. I try not to visualise myself amongst them just yet.

Before long the Clinician - Jay - calls me in and we start the tests. There are four machines in total and I go to each one in turn, Jay chatting away to tell me what's happening and counting so I know when to blink. I come to the conclusion that I'm a blinking addict as two of the tests we have to repeat because the results have not been clear, but Jay takes several from each machine anyway because he likes to have an average to give to the surgeon. I like his thinking.

Jay tells me as we're going that my eyes are quite steep, and already he can tell that LASEK (no cutting) and Intralase are my best choices. Bingo - they are my choices. I'm still liking his thinking.

At some point in the process drops are put in my eyes to expand the pupils. Next we head down the corridor to a standard opticians room where Jay looks at my eyes under microscopes and more tests are done (red light, green light, which line can you read without squinting, yellow drops to check for dryness, numbing drops and ultrasound to check my cornea thickness etc. etc.).

Then we start talking about my work environment and the fact that I'm prone to dry eye because I work with computers all day, he says that LASEK would be best for this as LASIK procedures (cutting the cornea) can cause dry eye problems during the healing process. He also advises that while I don't have thin corneas, my corneas are towards the thinner side of normal and if retreatment were needed (this would be free of charge) then LASEK is the much better option as less tissue is removed. Because the cornea does not regrow when it is removed, you are limited by what you have. I like the fact that he is upfront and honest about retreatment being a possibility. One of the questions I ask Jay is how long before I'll want to be back at a PC after LASEK, he tells me I won't want to be back until at least a week. I like the way he doesn't fob me off with the knowledge that all patients are different, but advises me what the average is, based on his experiences with other patients.

All the equipment used during my consultation is clinically clean and either brand new or well cared for. I'm sure I don't need to explain why this gives me peace of mind. Jay himself has had LASIK laser eye surgery three years earlier and somehow that naturally makes me feel confident that he knows what he's talking about on a personal level besides facts and figures.

I ask a few questions as we go and he really takes his time to answer my questions fully. One thing we keep coming back to is wavefront. From the research I've done I have to say I like the sound of this. Basically it's 3d mapping of the surface of the eye so the laser can make the best cutting for your individual eye, rather than a one-size-fits-all job where too much or too little might be cut away than is necessary for the best vision. Because I'm not an expert though, I'll refer you to Ultralase's webpages about wavefront: click here to read about it.

Jay shows me some as-yet unpublished statistics which can determine my chances of success. Basically I have a 99.1% chance of having driving standard vision and 81.1% chance of achieving 20/20 vision without glasses after laser eye surgery. Jay also advises me that after any laser eye surgery you should try not to evaluate the success of your surgery until at least 6 weeks after, to allow for any fluctuations and healing.

After I've asked all my questions Jay hands me over to Kate, my personal advisor, who tells me first about the procedures - things like I won't be able to let my eyes near water for 2 weeks and I should bring sunglasses on the treatment day to both protect me from the light and also to act as a physical barrier to stop me from touching my eyes. She also advises me that no matter what surgery I have, I would have a next day check up, followed by a further one at 4 to 7 days. We go over the fact that with LASEK I won't be able to drive for around 10 days.

Next we chat about her experiences and she advises that with LASEK the most uncomforable thing is the bandage lenses. I won't pretend I won't be scared if I do go ahead with LASEK laser eye surgery, but only scared of a bit of discomfort not of actually developing flap complications or of anything going wrong.

I leave the surgery with absolutely no pressure to book surgery. Jay himself recommended that I go away and think about things. So enough of all this, let me do some thinking...

Intralase Laser Eye Surgery

2006-05-08T13:22:00.000Z

I'm having a free consultation at the Chelmsford Ultralase clinic on Sunday. One thing I'm really keen to find out more about is the new Intralase procedure of laser eye surgery.

The reason I'm more interested in LASEK (no cutting) over LASIK (surgeon cuts cornea) is because of all the complications you can have from laser eye surgery, it's the healing and cutting of the flap that seem to cause the highest number of complications. Microkeratome, knife, whatever...I don't really like the idea of a man cutting into my eye.

Intralase then is 100% laser. Instead of a man with a knife, you get a man with a laser - or a computer with a laser - or rather, you get a man putting information into a computer, which sends it to a laser, which cuts your eye. Something clever like that.

I'm no expert, I'm only the (insert word here - genius, mug, heavenly creature) thinking about having it done. Here's a link to a site that has lots of information: http://www.intralasefacts.com/FAQ/

I've been in contact with someone who had Intralase done at the Chelmsford Ultralase clinic (thanks to the Ultralase forum) and she was really happy with it. Now I've just got to wait until Sunday to find out if I'm eligible for treatment this way.

The Cost of Laser Eye surgery

2006-05-05T14:25:00.000Z

Numbers aren't my strong point. My other half would undoubtedly agree that being frugal with my pennies isn’t my strong point either - I know how to make money but I know how to spend it too.

One thing a few people have said to me about having laser eye surgery is that it’s expensive (as if glasses and contacts are cheaper). Now forgive me for a moment while I go a bit mathematical on you, but let’s just think about this:

I’m 25. If I had successful laser eye surgery it should hopefully last until I reach at least 40-45, after which I’ll get presbyopia or old-age shortsightedness as every good sighted person does. So at minimum that should be 15 years of good sight.

At a bare minimum I would want to update my glasses every 4 years, and the most recent pair cost me £200.

Now the maths bit: (For the sake of my simple brain I’m now going to round up my years of good sight to 16)

With a change of glasses every 4 years that would mean 4 pairs of glasses, which seems like an obscenely small amount. That’s £800. 4 years is a long time to wear the same piece of furniture on your face every single day. Some people have ‘going out’ specs and ‘office wear’ specs etc. I don’t do that but I can see the attraction. (Must point this out to other half later to show that I AM frugal with my money thank you very much!)

So where was I… oh yes, £800 on glasses. Now what about contact lenses?

I currently pay at least £20 a month for monthly contact lenses and solutions.
That’s £240 a year. Over 16 years that comes out at £2880.

That’s £3680, and realistically glasses get broken, scratched, go out of fashion and just get boring – so this is likely to be just a starting figure for realistic costings.

Now, how much does laser eye surgery cost? Ultralase quote basic LASIK or LASEK at £1990 for both eyes.

Conclusion of this experiment: Yes, as a lump sum laser eye surgery would be expensive, but over the years it actually works out cheaper than glasses and contact lenses as a method of correcting my vision.

Optimax vs. Ultralase

2006-04-27T14:15:00.000Z

Let's recap. I had a consultation for laser eye surgery with Optimax on Monday.
At that time I was pretty sure I wanted the epi-LASEK procedure (involves no cutting of the cornea, instead an alcohol solution is used in order to move the epithelium aside).

I was told I was eligible for either epi-LASEK or LASIK, and my chances of having 20/20 vision after surgery was around the 95% mark. So why haven't I booked my surgery already?

Well, first off, my friend who had epi-LASEK late last year is currently investigating whether he needs to have re-treatment, and has to wait 3 months to see if his vision has improved from the -0.50/-0.75 or so that it is now. As far as I am concerned, this is not great. This has put me off slightly.

Also, my gut instinct, my women's intuition, the feeling in my water... whatever you want to call it...was not giving me a good feeling. I'm not talking about psychic feelings here, I'm talking common sense alarm bells that something just wasn't right. I'm sure he is a perfectly brilliant doctor but do I trust him with my eyesight? I'm not so sure.

So... today I have booked a free consultation with Ultralase at their Chelmsford clinic.

First impressions of the company are excellent. I completed a form online for them to give me a call to book a consultation and a really nice man phoned and talked me through everything: Whether I have any medical conditions that mean surgery would not be an option, how long the consultation will take, the fact that they'll put in blurry eye drops, the fact that I won't be able to drive home. He was very thorough, very friendly and I'm already impressed.

Ultralase are much more expensive. But what price do you put on your vision, or even, your peace of mind?

Optimax consultation

2006-04-25T19:02:00.000Z

Here's what happened. (Imagine this like a movie, where I'm played by Keira Knightley, only with a slightly less posh accent, and more meat on my bones, and with blonde hair...oh and I'm also wearing glasses. Goodness it's like you were there with me!)

5.15 Arrive
What does the Optimax laser eye surgery place look like? I think I'm expecting a standard doctor's surgery but I'm greeted by a room filled with comfortable-looking chairs, with a few doors and corridors off it and a long reception desk.

Immediately the receptionist has me over at a little computer in the corner of the room filling out a health questionnaire - am I on any medication, do I have any allergies and then I scan through options and tick boxes that apply to me. These are things like do I have a family history of glaucoma, have I ever had a heart attack, am I epileptic, etc. etc. A few of them I tick yes to: yes I have hayfever, yes I am due to have surgery soon (having a mole removed). Worryingly it says at the top of the list that any ticks might mean I'm unable to have the surgery.

Once I've finished I go and tell the receptionist and she then leads me off to have some tests done. I sit at three machines in turn and have to stare straight ahead and try not to blink. It's quite hard not blinking when all you can think about is not blinking. Mostly I tried to blink a bit before what I thought was the crucial time - but two of the tests she needed to repeat quickly so I was probably rubbish at predicting when the crucial time was! One of the tests was also one I'd read about where a puff of air is blown into your eye. Even though I knew it was coming it still made me jump the first time.

After that the show really started. I guess the time now is about:

5.30
The doctor comes out and calls me in. He's short, not of English origin and wearing a suit. I couldn't tell exactly where he was from, not that it matters of course. I enter the room.

First impression is that he's a typical, professional, no-nonsense doctor. On the one hand you could say he is abrubt, with poor beside manner I suppose. But on the other - and this is my experience with most doctors - he's just doing his job and he isn't there to hold my hand or make me feel at ease. He's not a salesman. If he were, if he was sitting me down asking how I am and am I ready to change the way I view the world and make my life ten times better?... I'd be running out the door right now.

He does some standard tests you get with glasses or contacts - looking at my eye, my prescription etc. He asks if I brought an old prescription along and I give him my old glasses which he goes off to measure to get the prescription.

When he comes back he puts drops to numb my eyes and then uses this instrument to measure the depth of my cornea. To do this he puts something against my eyeball for a few seconds. It's weird to have a numb eye - my eyelid feels kind of bouncy when it closes. Then he puts yellow dye in my eyes to have a look at their health through the microscope.

Next we go through my health form and I discover that my hayfever is not a problem, my upcoming surgery won't make a difference. Then he tells me that from his tests he can tell me that I am a candidate for either epi-LASEK or LASIK laser eye surgery. He asks if I know the difference between the two and I nod and say that it's basically the start of the procedure flap cutting with one, alcohol solution removal with the other. He nods as if he can tell I'm 'one of those ones that does their research' and asks which I prefer.

I say that epi-LASEK appeals more because of the lower risk factor. He then tells me that it is a surgery and as such can never be 100% guaranteed or safe. In my prescription case he tells me that there is a 95% chance I should have 20/20 vision. He informs me that when I reach 45 or so, I will need glasses for short distance again, as do the majority of people who have good eyesight for most of their lives.

I ask him about night vision problems. He tells me that my pupils are actually on the smaller size of normal so this is unlikely to be a problem for me. I say that while 20/20 vision is important, I also do not want to lose any contrast sensitivity. I ask if Wavefront would lessen the chances of this. He tells me that if this is not a problem now, it is unlikely to be a problem after surgery, and because the shape of my eye is pretty much average Wavefront is unlikely to make much difference to me. I ask about how long before I'm comfortable at a computer and he tells me it will depend on my personal recovery - most people can be fine after about a week to ten days but others can be more.

Mostly I get the impression from him that it's impossible to predict exact times. Every case is different in the pain threshold / speed of recovery etc.

After this we get to the fun part - where I get the pupil enlarging drops in my eyes. He tells me this is so he can view inside my eye. It feels fine for a few minutes but once he turns the lights back on after looking through the microscope at me I realise my close vision is a little blurred. Lights have also started to be a little bright.

He asks if I have any more questions and as we've covered all the ones I could think of I say no. And that's it, I'm done and dusted. The receptionist asks if I'd like to make a booking, I ask her to write a few available dates down at the end of May / early June as I need to check with work for booking a week off that will be followed by a few quiet days.

It's about 6.20 at this point and I walk back to the car with my boyfriend. The lights are hurting my eyes and my long distance and very close vision is blurry so there's no way I'd be able to drive. I start to wonder how weird it would be actually having surgery. I decide I have to give myself a few days to let everything sink in before I make a decision.

Laser eye surgery - pre consultation jitters

2006-04-19T12:36:00.000Z

My consultation for laser eye surgery at Optimax is next Monday. I'm both excited and nervous. I'm hoping by then I'll have a much clearer idea of whether I'd like LASIK or epi-LASEK surgery. Realistically, I probably won't know until I've chatted with the consultant and then thought it all through.

When I booked the consultation I received a letter which advised me not to wear contacts for up to 2 weeks before the consulation. But I haven't worn my contact lenses for ages now, actually I think the last time was Christmas, mainly because they're just uncomfortable. One of my eyes is astigmatic (rugby ball shaped) so I have to have a weighted contact in that eye to keep it in the right place, except it still moves and I have to blink to get it back.

Also with the documentation was a risk form - part of the contract you have to sign when you undergo treatment with Optimax. It outlines all the possible risks and side effects and you have to initial each item to show that you have read and understood. It's quite a daunting list but it's standard legal stuff. Just imagine if you had to sign a contract before you were born and you had a list of all the horrid things that could happen to you in life - injury, financial struggles, heartache etc. etc. It's not often you have all the risks of your decision laid out in front of you like that, and of course they don't mention the benefits, because that makes it look like they're trying to give it a positive spin.

But I'm not too concerned. The idea of facing freedom from all that blinking and dry eyes in contacts is like a dangling carrot. And glasses can be a pain too: endless lens cleaning, slipping in hot weather, freezing metal on your face in cold weather, eyelashes brushing on the lens. Yes it would be great to be free of these things. People who don't rely on glasses have no concept of what it's like. I feel like a completely different person when I wear contacts, I'm sometimes amazed that people recognise me - not because I look different but because when you wear glasses it can feel like you're hiding behind them.

Here is my updated list of questions for the consultant:
- Which would I personally be most suited for - epi lasek or LASIK surgery?
- What is the success rate for my prescription on either surgery (my prescription is -2 sphere and -2 cylinder in my right, -4 sphere in my left)
- How long does pain last on average?
- How will I control the pain?
- How long before my vision would be at driving standard?
- How long before I'll be able to use a computer comfortably?
- How long should I take off work (will probably be determined by the answer to the previous question)
- What happens if my vision is not improved, or is improved but still needing glasses?
- What about hayfever, will sneezing or itching eyes be a problem - will I be able to take Clarityn as I have done for about the last 5 years?

LASIK or epi-LASEK laser eye surgery?

2006-04-10T11:13:00.000Z

Having booked my consultation I'm now finding myself thinking more and more about laser eye surgery. From a hazy 'oh yes, that would be good' to now really concentrating on the risks and benefits, the pain, the recovery time, the after care treatment, the chance of success... and all those other things that start your head swimming if you don't organise your thinking.

My main question at the moment is whether I prefer the idea of LASIK or epi-LASEK laser eye surgery. Here are the basics of the two as I understand them:

--------------------------------------LASIK----------------------------
Anaesthetic is dropped into your eyes to prevent any pain. You will then have a layer of your cornea surgically cut and 'flapped over'. The laser reshapes your cornea beneath and then your 'flap' is placed back onto your eye. It will stay in place by natural suction but you will need to wear a protective eye shield for around 24 hours to prevent yourself from rubbing your eyes and disturbing the flap as it settles back.

Pain: Less than epi-LASEK laser eye surgery as the flap of cornea is put back right where it was before. Pain is usually said to come on a few hours after surgery and last for around 24 hours. Most things I've read have likened the 'pain' to just a level of discomfort - like having grit in the eye or an uncomfortable contact lens.

Recovery time (when can I go back to work?): I've read that people can often go to work the next day after LASIK laser eye surgery! Realistically I think I could have the surgery on a Thursday or Friday, have the weekend off and then be fit for work on the Monday - obviously so long as all goes well. Clear vision is usually within 2-3 days.

Risks: Because there is a physical cut made into your cornea there are much more risks with this form of laser eye surgery. Besides the potential for surgical mishap (who doesn't shiver at the idea of someone cutting into their eye?) there is also issues about the flap growing back not exactly as it was before. The cornea is also thought to be weaker following the surgery and it's not recommended for anyone likely to encounter physical contact - sportsmen / police officers etc.

Next after care appointment: You go back the day after your surgery to check all is well.

My concerns: Potential for dry eye and concerns about working with VDU's.

---------------------------------------Epi-LASEK--------------------
After anaesthetic drops are put in your eyes, an alcohol solution is put into your eye to weaken the cells so that a layer of your cells (epithelium) can be moved aside. The laser reshapes your cornea and then the cells which were moved are replaced. You wear 'bandage lenses' non stop for 3 days to keep your epithelium in place.

Pain: Little is felt for the first 24 hours thanks to the anaesthetic drops, but then it comes on a lot stronger for around 3 days. I have yet to read what people compare the level of pain to - but then we all have different pain thresholds so it wouldn't be a great guide anyway.

Recovery time (when can I go back to work?): I would need to take at least a full week off and possibly would only just be able to drive again after 7 days following epi-LASEK laser eye surgery.

Risks: Much less than LASIK laser eye surgery because there is no cutting made, but the risks of the laser and vision - overtreatment, undertreatment, halos etc are all still there.

Next after care appointment: You go back after 3 days to have your 'bandage lenses' removed and to check all is going well.

My concerns: Length of time for recovery - will I be fit to drive after a week?
Pain - how much and how controllable will it be?

Links:
Royal College of Opthamologists - Patients Guide to Excimer Laser Refractive Surgery [PDF download]
www.optimax.co.uk

Blooker Prize Awards 2006

2006-04-04T10:56:00.000Z

I only just heard about these by reading about them on the BBC news site.

For anyone even less clued up than me (if that's at all possible?) a 'Blook' is a book based on a blog or website. I knew that many bloggers somehow manage to get book deals based on their blogs, but didn't realise just how big this thing is getting. Can you hear my mind clicking away as all this information is processed?

The winner, Julia Powell, spent a year cooking from some French cookbook, because I'm such a good person and I like to share the information I find out, I will even give you a link to her blog here.

The official website for the Blooker Prize is http://www.lulublookerprize.com/.

I've booked my laser eye consultation!

2006-04-03T19:00:00.000Z

I'm going to my local Optimax branch - which is Ipswich - on the 24th April. It's only a consultation but I'm already excited. Oh but what if it turns out I'm not suitable for treatment because my cornea's are too thin / thick or, I don't know, they find out I have some rare genetic thing which means I'm destined to wear glasses for the rest of my life? That would be awful. Fingers crossed I'm an 'elligible candidate'.

It could have been as soon as this Wednesday, but as the consultant advised me I wouldn't be able to drive home afterwards because of the solution they put in my eyes I need my boyfriend to come with me. He also wants to be there to be sure I'm not going to just get all excited at the prospect of not wearing glasses or contacts, and be blind to any general dodginess of the place. Yes that was intentional use of the word blind. No I am not thinking about going blind.

Tell someone you're thinking of having laser eye surgery and what's the first thing they say? "Oh I couldn't do that, I'd be scared of going blind!" Do you know anything about laser eye surgery and the chances of blindness? "No, but going blind, that's a scary thought?" So is getting run over by a bus but it doesn't stop me crossing roads. You get the idea.

The consultant asked me if I wanted to book my surgery for the same day, but I opted out because if I have epi lasek I believe I'll need to book a week off work to allow for my eyes to be of driving and computer work standard.

Questions I will be asking the Optimax consultant:
- Which would I personally be most suited for - epi lasek or LASIK surgery?
- The success rate for my prescription on either surgery (my prescription is -2 sphere and -2 cylinder in my right, -4 sphere in my left)
- The recovery rate
- The length of time before driving
- The length of time before vdu work (I have read that near vision can take longer to recover, particularly with epi lasek treatment)
- The risks of complication (yes, that does include blindness)

And others which I have yet to think of but will post on this blog later....

It looked like a runway...

2006-03-30T16:02:00.000Z

A pilot flying a passenger plane from Liverpool to Ireland's Londonderry airport landed on a nearby military runway instead of the airport one. The passengers had to take a bus to complete their journey.

Apparently the skies were empty so the pilot had no need to refer to his equipment and just used his eyes instead. Which is quite scarey if you ask me. I know when I look out of a plane I think I see runway and it's actually a motorway. Perhaps that's why I'm not a pilot.

Me thinks the pilot is going to regret that one, even if they allow him to pilot a plane again he's never going to live it down from his colleagues. "And where will be landing today exactly?"

Read the article on the bbc: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/northern_ireland/4859716.stm

Can't believe it's almost April

2006-03-29T13:07:00.000Z

That means we're fast approaching being a third of the way through 2006. Already. Blimey. What have I done so far?

Novel: written 20,000 words (all in January - tut tut)
Weight: lost 6 pounds - February. Since then have been up, down and round the houses but always ended up back at only 6 pounds lost.
House: Getting garden sorted soon - patio, shed and bit of lawn. Then my fingers will become green because I want to get planting and start it being an 'established' garden - at least until puppy comes to make amendments!
Puppy: Plan is to get house / finances sorted and I am hoping that my gorgeous boyfriend will let us get one by about September. That way we can take a week or two off work and make our new family member welcome.
Work: My job is going well. I really like the guys I work with and hope I can grow with the company. Ultimately of course, I do want to be a novel writer but until I can pull my finger out and get on with that, this is a decent, challenging, alternative.

Modern impatience

2006-03-24T17:04:00.000Z

Is it just me or do people not make such an effort to stop when a traffic light turns red anymore?
I'm guilty of it myself at times, but only when the light is still on amber, never on red.

This morning the lights at a junction changed as I got near them. The car in front of me had loads of time, I had just enough time, but the car behind me that was a little way back should have stopped, but guess what, he didn't. I seem to be seeing it more and more recently.

I believe modern society makes us impatient. That's a bit thoughtful for a Friday afternoon isn't it? But it makes sense, at least to me.

I suffer from that disease where you have to keep opening up your email account to see if you've had a reply to an email yet. My frequency is every 20 minutes. It's becoming like blinking, I just do it automatically. My work email account does this for me, which is probably a good idea seeing as I'm not sure I'd get any work done if I was checking for emails all the time, but while at work I have to go to an external website to see my private emails.

I can't stand waiting in a queue either. I know I'm British and it's meant to come naturally but honestly it doesn't. Perhaps it's my Viking ancestry - I just want to grab whatever I want when I want it.

And what about when you're walking purposefully along a pavement and you get stuck behind someone who's dithering? Arrgghhh how annoying is that?

Perhaps I should think about anger management? I'll be calmer when I have a puppy.

Laser Eye Surgery

2006-03-22T15:07:00.000Z

I am going to have it done soon. No appointments booked as yet, but watch this space.

I've worn glasses since the age of 14, and have never really got used to them. From the age of 17-19 I wore contact lenses most of the time but recently I hardly wear them (I'm 25 by the way) and when I do I can only tolerate them for a few hours because my eyes feel really dry. I also do this strange twitch thing because one of my eyes is astigmatic (rugby-ball shaped as opposed to regular round) and that means the contact lens on that eye is weighted so it isn't meant to move - but it does - so I twitch to get it back into place. It's something I'm very conscious of and has put me right off wearing contacts.

One of my friends had epi-lasek treatment last year and from talking to him I would definitely like to go ahead with it. My boyfriend was originally against the idea "I don't want you going blind! / Is losing your eyesight really worth it just to get out of wearing glasses?" But now we know someone who's had it done he's a lot happier about the idea. Fear of the unknown and all that.

It is pretty expensive. But there are bargains to be found, such as Optimax listing their service on ebay which is the way I plan to go.

Puppy

2006-03-08T16:19:00.000Z

I want one. But I work full-time a half hour drive from my home, so does my boyfriend (his drive is in the other direction so no we couldn't move closer and solve the problem).

I grew up with dogs and I know it's not all about cute puppies - they are seriously hard work especially for the first 2/3 years - but I can't explain how lost I feel without a dog. Especially as it's not even a possibility until our circumstances change.

Yes I could get one, and leave if for 6 hours a day. Maybe I could ask my neighbour to let it out for the toilet a few times a day or a walk if they take theirs out, but what kind of a life would that be for it? See I'm trying to talk to myself calmly and flatter myself for being such a good person for not letting myself get a dog if I can't give it a good life, but you know there are plenty of people who have one who work full time.

Do you know the thought that is in the back of my mind whenever I think about having a dog, I think well, if you were to write that novel and maybe get some money out of it, you might be able to stay at home and housetrain a pup. It's a crazy motivation for writing a novel, but you know crazy often works. I've done almost 500 words today.

The Sims 2

2006-03-07T16:12:00.000Z

You know I said I shouldn't allow myself to buy the new expansion pack for The Sims 2? Well I was right. I shouldn't have done. Unfortunately though I did. I ordered it from Play.com and it arrived on the day of release - Friday 3rd March. I've played it every day since, and just about all day Sunday. Novel? What novel?

The only plus side is that I get so distracted I don't snack between meals. If it weren't for my lovely boyfriend though I wouldn't be eating meals at all!

Instant weight loss...

2006-02-23T14:31:00.000Z

...Does not exist, I know that. Oh how I wish it did. But there's that old cliche "You didn't put the weight on overnight, so you can't expect to lose it overnight!"
- Maybe not but you know I had fun putting that weight on. I ate chocolate and doughnuts and ice-cream and cookies.

Ah, but didn't I eat a cookie the other night? Yes. Am I going to lose weight again this week? Yes. So you can have your cookie and lose weight? Err....yes, but you know it helps if it's Weight Watcher cookies you're eating.

For lunch today I had my age-old mid-menstrual cycle craving for grated cheddar on a baguette with salt & vinegar crisps. Honestly, smack bang mid cycle up it pops at least every other month. But what does that lunch spell to you? FAT FAT FAT.

So how to cope? I went to Sainsbury's and bought a small baguette (about 8 inches), some low fat grated cheese and a packet of walkers salt & vinegar. When I returned to the office I cut off half of the baguette including the 2 ends, and using about a handful of the cheese I made my 3 inch baguette roll. Then I pointed it all. It came to 8 points.

A lot for a lunch yes, but for dinner I am having pasta and a low point tomato based sauce which is only around 5 points.

I almost can't believe I actually cut the baguette up and threw it away. Yes I'm sure there are people out there who would think me stupid to eat a baguette when I'm trying to lose weight, but I know me, and I know how this is the actions of a changing woman!

You can eat whatever you like, just lower your portion sizes.

On the right path

2006-02-17T14:09:00.000Z

I went to ask restaurant on Wednesday night with my boyfriend.

I spent a good few minutes looking at the menu wondering whether to have a starter and a main or a main and a dessert. A low fat starter such as olives, followed by a healthy tomato based pasta seemed like the best idea. But they do a lovely Del Figone pizza with Gorgonzola and I was really tempted to have that. I'd estimate that to be around 12 Weight Watcher points, so where did that leave me for dessert? Up chocolate creek without a spoon, that's where.

So what did I do? I skipped starter and had the pizza. Then my boyfriend had a chocolate cake, and I had...nothing. Yes you heard it first: the fat girl chose being slim over a cheesecake!

I felt very saintly but you know the annoying thing about wanting to lose about 3 stones is that it's a long and slow process. Even after skipping a cheesecake on a night out I did not wake up the next morning 3 stone lighter, even though I think it would be perfectly fair.

I'm sad to say that despite my sneaky weigh-ins all week I am still the same as on Monday. I've just got to lose at least 1 lb this week.

Being female...

2006-02-14T14:56:00.000Z

...can be a pain in the belly.

Make me happy today and I might burst into tears. Make me angry today and I might burst into tears; then I'll hit you around the head with whatever comes to hand first.

There are days when I need to stay at home and shut the world out. I won't deny it, going to work is more of a necessity than a pleasure for me. If I didn't have to put food on the table or moisturiser on my face (yes, that's a necessity) I'd be at home writing full time, or watching Fern and Phillip - or whoever they have on nowadays - on This Morning, yeah that might be closer to the truth but anyway you get the point. Home is where my heart is.

Ask my boyfriend and he'll tell you this is part of my normal monthly routine. There are the days when I loathe having to leave the house to go to work, or even leaving the house altogether. Then there are days when I can't stand sitting in front of the telly for more than two minutes:

me: Why can't we do something instead of sitting in front of the TV like zombies?
him: You said you wanted to watch this yesterday.
me: We need to do something with our lives. We stay in far too much. Let's go out.
him: (staying silent, it's the sensible option).
me: I'm going to write my novel.

If you're male and you think women are a foreign entity, you should try being female. It's an experience to say the least. When you're a woman, you just never know what mood you're going to be in when you wake up each morning.

Addicted to isketch.net

2006-02-09T14:14:00.000Z

It's an online pictionary and I only discovered it recently. I was browsing online games sites on my lunch hour and got hooked. Incidentally this was about the time that I wrote my last few words of my 20,000 for January. Yes, the two are connected.

I need to stop playing it, or I'm never going to get the novel done. I can't let myself buy the new Sims 2 expansion pack when it comes out either. Why? Oh because besides the end to my novel and occasional exercise dreams, it would also mark the end of sleeping as I know it. I do think that if the Sims had never been released I would have written a novel by now. I certainly would have achieved higher than a 2.1 result at University. I am aware that blaming a computer game is a convenient way of denying how plain lazy I am. But it makes me feel better, so there.

So I met up with some ex-colleagues last night. It was a good evening, and I was being saintly to begin with. I ordered a salad and was avoiding the dressing. But then when it came to desserts one of the girls really wanted one, but the rest of us didn't. When she realised this she said, "Oh no, I can't be the only one, I won't have one." So of course I HAD to have one then didn't I? I would have felt guilty because her eyes had really lit up when she saw the dessert menu. I made the two others have a bite too.

I'm being extra good today to make up for it. Now I know having a fattening chocolate brownie dessert is not the answer if I want to lose weight, but initially I had decided not to and I felt confident that I didn't need to have one. Choosing to have one was an act of friendship.

Is anyone else noticing that I tend to blame other things / people for my failures?

When is a diet not a diet?

2006-02-08T14:53:00.000Z

I have read that I need to make a serious lifestyle change in order to lose weight and keep it off. So strictly speaking I am not on a diet I have just chosen a healthier lifestyle. I guess I'm just trying to get the right mindframe about all this. Positive thinking and motivation go hand in hand.

I know I shouldn't have, but this morning I couldn't resist hopping on the scales (no not literally, the truth is I only stepped onto them) but I did find that I've lost a pound, which was pleasing. Must not let myself do this again though because it's not the actual number of my weight I'm interested in, it's how I feel and how my clothes fit. There's nothing more depressing than feeling slimmer and then getting on the scales to see that you've lost a grand total of nothing.

I'm off for a meal tonight with some of the girls from my old workplace. We always have a giggle when we get together. I've been training my mind all day so that when I pick up the menu I will only notice the healthy options. If I don't even see that I could have a scrumptious sounding rich chocolate cake with chocolate sauce then there won't be a problem will there! Oh wouldn't that be cool if you really could train your mind like that? If you could block thoughts just like you can spam filter and block unwanted emails? When I'm at work I wouldn't let myself think about how great it would be to snuggled back in bed, and when I'm snuggling up in bed I won't let a single work thought into my head. Bliss!

Words written last night: 0
No I am not proud of this. Although I did read through my latest chapter yesterday trying to get back into it and I was actually impressed, there are problems with it and it will need a lot of reworking. But I can't let myself start editing. I really think the key to getting this done will be to get the first draft finished and then go back and rework.

Obviously with going out I won't get any words done tonight either. And as it's now the 8th Feb and I haven't done any of the 20,000 words for this month - I'm going to have to do 2,000 one day and then 1,000 every other day for the rest of the month. Way to go Emma!

My first posting

2006-02-07T11:55:00.000Z

This is all new to me so I'm not sure exactly what to put. Obviously this blog is designed to be an ongoing thing, tracking my progress like a diary. Here's where I am right now:

Words: 20,000 (all in January). Weight: 14 st 1lb.

By the end of the year I need to be about here:

Words: 80-100,000. Weight: 11 st (maximum)

It's going to be a long journey but fingers crossed I can make it. No, scrap that, there's no fingers crossed mumbo jumbo about this any more. I WILL do it.

How? First step I am planning what I am going to eat every morning and sticking to it. I am going to get out of work at lunchtime and walk around the block, and I am also going to stop moaning about why I put on weight when I eat crap. The simple answer is surely to just stop eating crap isn't it? Then for the writing, that's much more sedentary, I just have to make sure I sit down and write between 500-4000 words a day. I'm aiming for 1000 a day but between work, socialising and exercise this might not always be achievable so my main aim is 20,000 words a month.

Weigh in will be every Monday morning. Words written should be a daily thing.